Why I Want To Delete TimeHop

Forgive me as I am having one of those "moments." For those grieving or struggling, it's one of those out of nowhere moments that just come unexpectedly. TimeHop shared a memory with me last week where, four years ago, I had announced I was changing jobs. My brother commented with "Proud of you. Love you."

And then there it was. A swift kick to the heart. He can't comment like that anymore.

This week, TimeHop shared last year's first posts/pictures about my weight loss. If I am being candid, I am not there as I once was. And, it's been a STRUGGLE.

And there it was again. Another TimeHop reminder that life has changed.

Last May, I started my blog with a post about change. My body had changed so much since babies, and I had worked so hard to see success. I felt great; I felt strong. Then, life says, "just kidding, strong one. Here's a doozy." Enter my new normal - new anxiety and new worry, and the weight came back.

But, with encouragement from my doctor, I had to try some things to keep the worry at bay. In this season of grief, I have two kids who need their mom. I have NO choice but to keep going even when I want to cry and hide. I NEEDED help to be a better mom in this new season of life.

And TimeHop's reminders of life one year ago won't take away the fact that I know I need to be better. Even though being better is taking time.

When you experience the death of a loved one, the life before that loss suddenly seems foreign. And when these flashbacks come up, you are suddenly reminded that parts of that life are no longer; that today is so different. Then, you get that in-your-face reminder that the world is still going while you are holding on for dear life. It can make you feel a bit abandoned - your world isn't like what TimeHop is reminding you of each day. This reminder stings.

While I am not seeing the physical victories I did one year ago, and life is nowhere near where it was, I HAVE to remind myself daily that this is life now. One year ago is no longer in my control - as if life ever is. It's the now that I HAVE to work with and make important. And y'all, I am trying so hard. Grief is not new for me; God will provide just as He has when I lost someone close to me in 1999 and my dad in 2002.

Image Via Lock in Life

And while TimeHop is making me a bit weepy, I am trying SO hard to remember these things.

Though my body has changed, I need to meet myself where I am. And be kind.

In this season of life, I need the help I'm getting to process grief. And that's okay.

God gave me my kids for ME to mother so I need to keep fighting for them.

This grief story is my own. How I grieve is not "by the book" or the mirror of someone else's.

I am not abandoned; God is always, always with me even when I feel like no one else is.

TimeHop will not deter these daily thoughts.

When I started this little blog, I wanted to promote health and fitness. Those feelings will never change because I see the benefits daily. But, my course has changed a bit. It's the mental well being of the busy mom who keeps pushing that is so important to me right now.

I went to the doctor today for a regular check-up, and she asked how I've been. Poor thing. She got an earful. It just wasn't one of my good days, but I am thankful she had such an amazing bedside manner and really listened. Then, I was able to speak to my dear friend Jess who reminded me I am not alone or abandoned. TimeHop can't take these things away from me. Nothing really can.

I just need a minute to be in the now. Not back then. Sure, I love my babies little and I like some of the glimpse of the past, but I love what's right in front of me too. Delete that silly app if it brings you sadness or, hell, delete whatever is in your life that hurts right now. You can always come back to it when YOU feel ready.

That's where grief has led me right now. Today and all the new days that follow.