name='p:domain_verify'/> Always A New Day : The Heavy


The Heavy

Amidst a crazy time in my life, I am so happy that the Healthy Mama Series got such great feedback. I am excited to share the next mama soon!

Now for The Heavy. I found a post this week that really hit home for how I've been the last few days. Sure, we have had some spring break fun and celebrated some family moments, but life has been hard.

We are two months into life without my brother, and I am not sure I can put into words how weird and hard and beautiful life has been. I prefer the beautiful part, but I am not naive - the harder parts are there too. They lurk and sneak out without warning. I read this post this week, and wow. Those 100 foot waves are crashing down on me right now. They are big, and they are heavy.

I am in the season of grief where life just keeps going, and you go too. But, you have this moment in the middle of a good time, and you are suddenly stunned. My brother isn't here. I can't call him to check on him or ask him to help me with something. He's not there, and that feeling is heavy. Just this week, I was at the rodeo with my son having a great time and I see an old friend. We hug, and he says, "I am praying for you." I have to be honest, it took me a second to realize why he said that. Then, I spent the night going back and forth between sad and fun. He meant well, but that's grief for you. Sneaky little thing.

Then, I feel alone. Grief is different for many people, and it comes out differently. I am angry, and I am sad. When my dad died, I took one month off of work to process what I could. Now that I'm a mom, I don't get to take time off to "work" on my grief. I am okay with crying in front of my kids - I want them to see real emotions. But, wiping the applesauce painting (by my toddler artist) off the wall when you really want to crawl under the covers - it's a weird balance.

There are also the times when I think I am grieving incorrectly. I do feel angry, but should I feel it more than I do? I could sit for hours and pray and/or write, but I don't cry. Should I cry more? We spent the other weekend with family while my nephew ran his first marathon. And dare I say it, but I had the best weekend. Just real people having a casual time - laughing a lot. Should I not have that kind of fun when grieving?

I don't want to change the focus on my blog from well being to grief, but I do feel it's honest to share when life isn't perfect. When it's dirty, gross, confusing, and downright frustrating. I know I am still in the early season of grief, and maybe I am afraid because I know already how nasty it can get next week, next month, and even in the next 5 years. Sometimes, I just don't want to do this grief thing all over again.

They say that it will get worse before it gets better. Maybe this the worse right now. Maybe it's not. I have to get the words out so I could feel just one bit lighter. Until then, I am going back to this post over and over. I am going to admit I am not okay and remember that THAT'S okay.

From The Wellness Warrior
If you’re struggling today, feeling like you’re not enough, that you’re broken beyond repair, and that you’ll never have your act together, here’s some good news:
That’s why God sent us Jesus.
You are enough because of who He is.
You are not broken, you’re loved. We get to turn to Him and let Him take our broken places and to turn them into beautiful testimony of His healing power.
And you don’t have to have your act together all the time. Our weakness is the perfect vehicle to display HIS glory. 
Truth is? I’m not okay. But I’ve got a Savior who is. 
And THAT is enough for me.


  1. I'm so sorry for you loss, I cannot imagine. But I totally understand the feeling of everyone's life continues but mine has totally changed...and feeling those mixed emotions of, why am I happy, am I allowed to be happy? But then I try to think that person does not want me to be sad all the time, he would feel sad for me if I was...Many prayers.

    1. I think that all of the time - it's those thoughts that make me get up and go. Thanks for that reminder. I needed it today. Your prayers are appreciated.


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