Why I Will Keep Watching This Is Us

I was going to be quiet after watching last night's Super Bowl episode of This Is Us and let it all sink in - the way Jack died, how the family handled it, and how they "handle" it as adults. I am too connected to them and their stories for multiple reasons, and I went to bed thinking of so much. Social media can be so silly sometimes, and I wish I didn't let the silliness get to me, but there are so many out there questioning why one would watch such a sad, depressing show.

And as protective (and maybe too vocal) I am of my grief, I had to pull out my favorite lines from the show last night. Sure, I cried, but I felt so much more -  mainly comfort. When you grieve, you often feel alone. And leave it to a TELEVISION SHOW to make me less alone. That's why I will keep watching This Is Us - tears, swollen eyes, and all.

The last episode - before the infamous Super Bowl tear-jerker - of This Is Us left shook me to my core. Yes, we knew Jack would die. Yes, we knew the crockpot was the culprit. But, I suddenly felt myself float back to the day I lost my dad. Soon, these characters would suddenly lose their dad, too. And, I hated that for them. I hate that for ANYONE IN THE REAL WORLD who ever had a regular, carefree day not knowing their world was about to be ripped in two. Or, a sudden burst of throbbing pain like Randall describes. 

For me, this show has words I've been searching for since losing my dad. I don't feel alone when watching - yep, a silly show does that for me. I don't watch it to wallow in pity and to cry my eyeballs out. I watch it because someone out there wrote words for these characters to say, and I feel them all. 

He died because of me. Because in the scariest moments of our lives, he couldn't bear to disappoint me? So, if for once a year, I want to beat myself up for it, please just let me. Let me just sit in it, okay? - Kate

When you grieve, some days, you want to sit in it - knee-deep in it. Why would someone choose to grieve like this? Because we NEED to and because we WANT to sometimes. Kate did with her VHS tape, and I did by watching this episode. And while I felt it ALL, I also felt lighter after. I don't think I've ever thought about it that way because I've been told so much to move on. Get over it. Count your blessings. But, some days, sitting in it is part of the process.

And when I would break, you never ever gave up on me over and over again. Never gave up on me and made me believe in me. You changed my life, and you saved my life. - Kate

My husband knew my dad though briefly. And, I had the blessing of KNOWING how much my dad liked him. My husband (boyfriend at the time) helped search for my dad when he was missing. My husband has given me a life I know my dad loves. My husband gave me two kids who changed and saved me. I'm not easy, folks. And, I break daily. This sweet speech Kate gave to Toby was a blessing. And a needed reminder. That moment was everything and pure sweetness.

And then you were born. And my life flipped. It did a somersault, you know. And, I realized I didn't even have to try...because I love this little girl so much, I didn't even have a choice. You're my number one, baby girl. You're the little girl that made my life somersault. - Randall

Let's see if I can get through this one without crying. My kids have saved me. I don't know how else to phrase it. On the dark days where I miss my dad, they somehow love extra hard. On the days I don't want to face the world, I always remember THEY ARE MY WORLD. This little boy and little girl of mine made MY life somersault.

I remember being in Home Depot one day after my dad was found and after his memorial. Walking through the aisles, I just remember so vividly that this is my new life. Life after dad. I didn't think life would be good again. I didn't think I could exist in a world where my dad didn't. Then, my life somersaulted in 2008 and 2013. I didn't have a choice, but my dad did. He gave them to me. 

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Rebecca said Jack comes back each anniversary to make her smile, and with my dad's anniversary looming, maybe this strong pull to write about my favorite show is my dad's smiling moment for me. He did love when I would write.

I will keep watching. And I can't wait for the next episode.